The Forever Battles of the Mind

It feels like, I’m constantly battling something in my mind. The voices fight for control over me. The loudest one wins. It’s a battle with every decision I make. The various voices want to dictate how I behave. How I should dress, which masks to wear for the day. Even how much I’ll accomplish for the day. They don’t want to try new things. They are livid about this blogging thing I’m doing. They don’t want lose control over me. The more I expose them for the monsters they are, they angrier they become. I’m standing up against their anger. Exposing all my secrets, all the crazy’s secrets. Somehow, somewhere I discovered the courage to take back the control.

The unknown scares the crazy within me, bringing with it more chaos in my mind. I’m forever trying to protect myself from the crazy. It stirs up anxiety, which grips me like vise. I can’t free myself from its strong claws that want to hold me back. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I’m to terrified to move. No matter where I go or what I say the crazy is always there. The crazy has taken over me. I don’t have the strength to overcome the crazy today. I stay inside from the rest of the world, hiding the crazy with in me. It’s a life or death game, I play everyday. Somehow, I muster up the courage to fight the crazy one more time. I can do it. The darkness begins to fade, I see the light. A glimmer of hope. For today, I won the battle within me. Today, I won the battle.

What about tomorrow? next week? next year? The fight continues. It’s a constant battle with between me and the crazy. The crazy affects my entire being. My body tightens as the chaos begins. My stress levels and heart rate spikes. My mind begins to race, my thought become one big jumble. Everyday, I avoid doing things that will trigger the crazy. I avoid talking on the phone, because the voices listen in. I avoid driving, because motorcycles freak out the crazy. I avoid talking with certain people, because they trigger the crazy. As the day progresses, the chaos within gradually get louder more determined to control me. By night, I feel into bed completely exhausted. Another day done, tomorrow’s a new day.