Another sleepless night. I’m obsessing over life. I want to sleep, but I just can’t stop. I’m trying to get this website up and going. The more I work on it the more I obsess about getting everything right. It doesn’t matter that I’m clueless about what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter that I’m learning a ton of stuff. I just can’t seem to walk away from it half complete. Instead of being proud of what I accomplished, I beat myself up for not being perfect. For not getting something the first time around.
When I decided to go down the rabbit hole, and ended creating this site I was in a manic. I’m invincible, capable of doing whatever I want. But that energy, that created this space is fading. It’s become a challenge. And the only way to get it right is to obsess about it. It’s got to be perfect. I have unreasonable standards, especially when my crazy get involved. It wants Big and Bold, it strives to prove me wrong. To the crazy, it doesn’t care that I’m absolutely clueless, I should have known I couldn’t do this.
The crazy wants the results this second. I feel chained to my desk. I’ve been at it for 4 days now. Because the crazy won’t let go of it now. I can’t sleep until it’s perfect. I’m losing steam, the manic is leaving me alone. I have to remind myself how much I accomplished totally on my own, I’m proud of my efforts, but doesn’t make sleep come any faster.