When I shared that I started this website with my closest friends, many of them asked, “Why?”. All, I can say I was inspired to do this. It doesn’t matter that I’m completely clueless as to what I’m doing, I’m going to continue with this journey and see where it takes me. Like all my inspired journeys of life, the destination is completely unknown to me. My inspired journeys are exciting, insightful and humbling, because it’s God that guides me. I know that by following God ‘s guidance, I will discover many truths about myself and the world around me.
This journey began ten days ago. I was sitting at my kitchen counter journaling, and I had that most amazing insight. I wanted to share it with somebody, but there wasn’t really anybody there at that moment. So, I thought momentarily (or so I believed) that it would be nice to blog and share my thoughts with the whole world. Yes, I was in a manic and thought very highly of my writing. Anyways, I thought no I could never do that, after all, I barely passed 7th grade English. But a strong voice within me, asked “Why not?” For some totally unknown reason, I listened to that voice. It was a new voice; one I had never heard before. It was strong and bold. It was supporting and encouraging me. That voice empowered me to ask, “Why not? Let’s see what’s involved.” And that is how I leaped down that rabbit hole.
I googled, “How to start a blog” and a website popped up telling me I could start blogging in 5 easy steps. Easy my ass, more like 5 easy steps to spend money you don’t have. But, I started with the 5 east steps, with the attitude I can do this. How hard could this be??? If someone TV can do it, why can’t I? The first 2 steps easy but the third step was more challenging. I became overwhelmed but confident enough to keeping going. I got so focused on 3 that I forgot about steps 4 & 5, and now I can’t find that 5 easy steps site.
Boldly, I opened the door to the unknown. I was completely clueless about how to set up a website, but that didn’t stop me. I’ve never actually read a blog, only heard about them on TV. Who cares? I can still do this. Instead of giving up, I accepted the challenge. And I’m grateful that I did. Because I’ve learned so much about myself already.
A year or two after my diagnosis, I agreed to ECT and underwent about 30 procedures. Resulting in noticeable, permanent brain damage. I struggle with reading and comprehension. I have difficulty remembering things. I often struggle with my words, unable to find the right word. It takes me a while to process complex or abstract ideas. In the past, I would look at something like this and walk away without even trying because of all the mental requirements. This time, I faced this challenge with all my being. I rediscovered my inner determination, something I haven’t seen in years. Even during the most frustrating times, I persevered. Why? I didn’t really know. All I know, I feel compelled to follow this through as far as I can. Honestly, it never occured to me that I might fail at this.
Somewhere, along the way I realized that I have a lot I want (need) to express to the world. Having absolutely no musical or artistic skills, my only choose became writing. So I will use the written word to express my story in hopes is that I connect with 1 person. And help them find the strength to live with their own mental illness.
You see I self-diagnosed myself with Schizophrenia in my 20’s. I refused to accept that possibility or seek medical treatment. My first reason for denial, was I didn’t want to carry the stigma of mental illness for the rest of my life. Second reason being, I worked with a woman that was on meds for bipolar disorder, and they created havoc in her body. From my perspective, the side-effects were worse than the illness. I decided I would never take meds for any reason. My third reason, I gave birth to my first son. I was absolutely in love with him and in awe of his tiny perfection. I feared that I’d lose my children, if my secret ever came out. My fears prevented me from seeking the help I desperately needed.
I learned to mask my symptoms, pretending to be normal. I got very good at the lie. I lived with that lie for 20 years!!! That’s a long time to live with the uncontrollable torment of mental illness. By the time, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, I was exhausted. I ended up in jail then a psychiatric hospital. I was relieved when I finally received the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder with Bilar. My battle with schizophrenia was over, it had won or so I thought.
Up until recently, I lived with the shame of having Schizophrenia. Only a handful of people knew what exactly my diagnosis is. About a year ago, I got sick of the shame and empowered myself to live boldly as a person with Schizophrenia. I realized I have over 37 years of experience with mental illness. I attempted to end my life 5 times and spent 2 years in and out of mental institutions. I know that chaos that mental illness brings to a person. I become out of control manic, and the suicidally depressed. I know just how intrusive thoughts can be. And how unsettling hallucinations are , making you question your sense of reality. I just want to let others know they are not alone. The struggle is real, but there are treatments and support are available. I don’t want anyone to live in torment the way I did. Because that it no way to live. Please if you or someone you love has symptoms, don’t ignore them. Get help. Don’t go 20 years alone with the chaos in your mind. Treatment and support make the symptoms manageable, improving quality of life.
My hopes of this site to connect with at least 1 person, letting them know they are not alone. Others are going through or have gone through exactly what you are going through. If nothing else, you have me, I can listen to your story and offer support.
I ultimately decided to remain anonymous for several reasons. I’m more comfortable sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings. I feel a newfound freedom of expression. I can be completely vulnerable and authentic as I share my experiences because I’m not searching for validation in this endeavor. I will write about difficult but important subjects, that will potentially offend somebody. With the current political climate, I’m hesitant to put my real identity out there for my own safety. Besides, I feel like I’m adopting a new persona. I really like this newly emerging personality. She is becoming an expressive, free spirit that I could never be in real life. I feel that if I’m if I’m being anonymous, I’m making it okay to share with me in incognito knowing their story won’t be shared. I’m hoping that this site become more interactive. I want you to feel safe to comment whether you agree or not with me. And most importantly, I have a very supportive network of friends, but I must also maintain their confidentiality. Their identifying information isn’t mine to share. This group of friends keep me connected to the real world, outside of my mind. They support me through everything. Their presence in my life is part of my story so I might refer to them. I will never use their real names or offer identifying information. You see, I take confidentiality very seriously, even though we don’t have a professional relationship where confidentiality is expected.
I want to spread a message of hope for a better future. It is possible to coexist with mental illness; it is not a death sentence. Rather a diagnosis could bring, a whole new insight into what it means to be alive. There is light, but you must actively search for it in your life. Focus on what’s most important to you. Try the various treatment options, they are not a one fits all type of thing. Often, it’s most effective to combine modalities for better results.
It’s my natural tendency to give of myself however I can. I love to help people out; carrying in groceries, picking up stuff for a friend, or sitting with a friend that needs comfort. I actively search for ways to assist others because that what gives me joy. I’m a firm believer in having as much joy in your life as humanly possible. So, writing out these blogs, and figuring out the website not only brings me frustration and challenges it also brings me joy. About day 3, of this journey I sat down with my God, and asked for his support and guidance through this journey. I explained that my dream here is to connect with at least person and encourage them to get the professional help that I stubbornly refused to access. I’m confident that he will fulfill my desires for this website, and my dream will become a reality.
So that’s a long-winded explanation for why I’m doing this.. Thank you for joining me on this journey, Peace & prayers ✌🏼🙏🏼